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  You are @ HomeAdults Stories & Scripts

Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Lloyd Williams

Title: De-Briefing

As the craft hurried away from Earth the de-briefing began.

‘Ok lets get on with this, it’s a long way home, if we get this out of the way we can have the rest of the journey to relax, I know I need it after hovering above that vacuous rock for days.’
Murmurs of agreement rumbled. The lights above reflected off the silver table surface and bounced off their skin, giving their blue hue a vibrant glow.

‘Ok Dr. Xdentor, what did we learn about these feeble creatures?’
The Doctor was wiping the scummy residue from his glasses, he hated planets with atmospheres, they always coated his lenses with a layer of filth which seemed to stick solid.

‘Well,’ he began after finishing the fourth lens and returning the glasses to his face, ‘they’re totally self destructive, they’re short sighted, narrow minded, ignorant, stupid, it’s amazing they haven’t wiped themselves out yet.’

‘How have they survived this long?’

‘It appears they’re fighting a constant battle with nature. She throws new diseases at them and they manage to counter them and continue to spread, even infertility hasn’t worked, it’s unbelievable, they carry each others off-spring or just take orphan children. Natural disasters have also failed to dent the population sufficiently. There is one promising programme, er,’ he flicked through the pages on his clipboard, ‘ Ah, Global Warming. They’ve fried their planet, nature’s cranking up the thermostat in an effort to change the eco system enough to wipe them out,’

‘What are their chances?’

‘Fools are trying to stop it,’


‘Well, they’re turning off more lights than they used to, apart from that they doing nothing of note.’

‘So they’ll be wiped out when?’

‘Hard to tell, they’re very adaptable, hell, they’re so versatile they inflict pain upon themselves every single day with whatever weapons they can get their hands on,’

‘You mean they haven’t even gotten past the whole war thing yet?’

‘Not even close, I told you, they’re idiots! They’re fighting over Oil and Gas, they fight over boundaries…’

‘They haven’t abolished countries?’

‘Uh-uh, they fight over just about everything, they’re totally primitive,’

‘They must have some redeeming features? Is there no culture?’

‘Some, they have art and music, but, they seem to be in reverse. A few hundred revolutions ago they had some fine art, great musicians, right now they have erm, Madonna,’


‘Its best we move straight on. Some of them read but most are only semi-literate and they seem happy that way. The educated ones do what they can but they’re out numbered. Er, mating rituals are peculiar in that, there are none, they’ll fuck anything, even the planet’s secondary species,’

‘Holy shit, what the hell happened down there?’

‘I have no idea, check this out though. They still use rudimentary currency, they live by it, in fact they say it’s what makes the world go around,’

‘They obviously have no grasp of even basic physics,’

‘They have no grasp of anything, they have no sense, some of them even hurt themselves in the name of fun,’

‘How so,’

‘They have this thing called alcohol…

‘What does it do?’

‘Well in the short term it turns them into demented morons, they lose what little bodily and mental control they possess, they lose all sense of co-ordination and generally reverse what little evolution has taken place. Then, they sleep…’

‘They still sleep?’

‘Er, yeah, around nine hours out of every twenty four otherwise their brains become useless, more useless, you know they only use ten percent of their brains? Anyway they sleep and then get up and feel like shit, they can barely move or think or speak, they suffer for a whole day because of this, alcohol.’

‘They must be so primitive if they can’t connect the two,’

‘Oh they do, they know the alcohol makes them ill,’

‘You’re kidding?’

‘No, they know, in fact they kind of pride themselves on how much they can consume at one time, a popular phrase, hang on let me find the quote….ah, “I’m gonna get totally shitfaced tonight, I’ll feel crap tomorrow but who cares!” Now this is just one phrase however there are many like it.’

‘Fucking idiots,’

‘Tell me about it, enough of this stuff kills them, they just don’t care, they polish of gallons of the stuff and the best thing is, they pay for it with their currency,’

‘It costs them to feel like crap and die?’


‘And they all do this?’

‘Oh no, some don’t drink at all,’

‘These are the smart ones?’

‘Not really, the ones that refrain generally do so because of religion,’

‘I don’t believe this, why did the council send us to check out a race that still has religion? What’s the point? We’ve wasted our time, are there any that know better, that guide the stupid ones?’

‘Well they do have leaders but, they generally use their power to screw the lower ones over. They sell them the alcohol and other drugs and religion so that they can make as much of the currency as possible. They use their position to further themselves and not everybody. They're smart but also blind as to how they should be leading people. They’re only concerned with position and currency’

‘And that’s all they care about?’

‘Pretty much, they talk about morals and democracy and things like that,’


‘Don’t worry, it’s a meaningless word the leaders use to lull the lower ones, they use it to hide their real agendas which ultimately boil down to this currency,’

‘So what you’re telling us is that they have no common goals, no common aims as a race?’

‘No, they’re fragmented and divided. It’s a tribal society, each with its own customs, deities, currencies and boundaries. They have no sense of unity, they see each other as different and try to wipe each other out because of it,’

‘Well if they’re that stupid we can’t help them. I don’t think this was worth the effort. I’ll file the report that it’s a primitive, tribal world, the council better be pleased with our effort. Anyway I fell like a game of qeil, anybody want join me?’

‘I can’t,’ the doctor replied, ‘I hurt my eighth leg down there, I slipped in their primitive cleaning vestibule.’

‘Well at least you can get a new skin when we get home, get that Earth smell off you,’

‘You can smell it on me?’

‘It’s not too bad, not as bad as Duwsa,’

‘Now that was bad, but at least they’d given up religion!’

‘Those Earth morons, races like that never learn, turn up the thermostat I say and give the reptiles a chance,’

‘Too right Brother, oh lets stop at Pluto on the way to see the Gfwabs,’

‘Oh yeah, we haven’t seen them for eons, good idea Doc.’

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