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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: Earth Minus Jeans.....( further observations )

Dear Mr Lines

Thank you very much for attending an interview with us at Madhouse UK Ltd in the County Mall Centre on Tuesday 24th October, this letter is to inform you of the outcome.

We regret to advise you that on this occasion your application for the position of Weekend Sales Assistant was unsuccessful, on the grounds that you said " Innit " at the end of every sentence in an exaggerated fake accent, and you dress like a complete prick.

As was mentioned in your interview, we received a huge response to our advertisement with a large volume of applicants, most of whom didn't talk like a " drug-dealer-wannabe " moron.
We would like to point out that this is not Hackney or Brixton, or Moss Side. Nor is it Downtown Los Angeles or the Bronx.
This is Crawley, West Sussex. So please spare everyone your silly voice that we suspect you practise infront of the mirror every morning before your mum calls you down for your coco-pops.

It also appears, according to your application form, that you grew up on the ' mean streets ' of Godalming in Surrey... we are surprised you even survived your childhood, surrounded by such deprivation and street crime. How many times did they steal your Scones at knifepoint?
( By the way, on the subject of your application form, the word 'lived' has an E in it - no, not that type of E - it's 'lived' not 'livd'. Nice try though. )

A few pointers about your interview Mr Lines, that you might like to bear in mind for the future. Because of the number of people applying, we were looking for that little extra something to set one person apart from the rest.
Unfortunately, your answer to the question - " Explain to us why you think you should get the position ahead of anyone else " ( errr...sniff...err I dunno like...sniff...I'm like outgoin' an' that...I get on with most people...sort of innit ) was not quite the inspiring response we were anticipating.
Actually, in fairness we weren't anticipating any kind of response and were pleasantly surprised you could even string half a sentence together. So very well done on that.

The sniffing by the way, was really quite excessive and unnecessary. It dawned on us afterwards that you may have been dropping a hint, but sadly all we are legally allowed to offer you at the interview is a cup of tea. Our refreshments do not extend to cocaine or any other snort-able substance.

You may also choose to review your dress sense at any future interviews. Initial impressions are quite important and we felt the hooded Airmax tracksuit, the baseball cap and the ridiculously oversized Parker coat immediately counted against you. We have since double checked the room temperature of our office, and feel you would have been warm enough in just a shirt.
Frankly you looked like a 'chavvy' version of Sir Ranulph Fiennes without the beard.

At the end of the interview, ( thank you very much for sweeping our shop floor as you left, that was a nice touch and we trust your knuckles are not too dusty as a result ), your application was given careful consideration for approximately two-one hundredths of a second before we all agreed " He's having a frigging laugh isn't he? "

We would like to take this opportunity to wish you every success for the future, whatever your chosen path. Remember, all you have to do is sign your name and they give you fifty-six quid a week, which should just about cover the economy range of food they have in Sainsbury's.
No doubt your greatest contribution to society will be to "spread your seed innit" as you might put it, and inflict upon us another three fat teenage single mums in tracksuits. Many thanks in advance for that.

Your application form will of course be kept on file, and brought out on special occasions such as Work Do's where it will be passed around the table for a bloody good laugh.
We're only glad you didn't type a covering letter on a computer. The strain on the spell-checker could have caused the whole system to melt down and explode in your face.

Once again, many thanks for completely wasting fifteen minutes of our time on Tuesday morning, and we appreciate you will need a dictionary to understand 80% of the words in this letter.

Yours faithfully

Members of a higher species

Published on writebuzz®: Adults > Stories & Scripts

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