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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: Are our Home Office Ministers smoking something illegal?

I'm sorry, this is not really a short story as such, but it was the most suitable medium through which to get the following off my chest.

Some of you may have read a recent poem of mine titled " Another stroke of crime-combating genius ". If you've ever listened in on commercial radio, you'll have heard the recent spate of Home Office " Info-mercials " that inspired it. You'll also know that these are the type of patronising "Lets pass all the responsibility onto you " sound-bites that have you throwing your coffee cup at the wall.
But I missed something, a line that hadn't struck me until this evening and I'm wondering whether anyone else has heard it... and fallen out of their chair in hysterics.

It's the ad with the dappy girl ( because we're all dumb-blondes us crime victims you know ) inviting people to break into her house. At the end, the official sounding man with the stern " you crime victims are tarnishing our country's image " voice says... and I quote.... " DON'T ADVERTISE YOUR HOME TO BURGLARS, KEEP IT SAFE, KEEP IT HIDDEN.....

Hidden??.... Keep my home hidden??? ( Not that I own a home personally but for the sake of argument etc ).

Um.... okay. So on hearing this, I decide to take a stroll around my block to see just how many home-owners had popped outside to drag a huge white tarpaulin over their house.
Not one.
Not a single person was to be seen dismantling their 3-bedroom Semi and storing it in their garage.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, was taking steps to distract the attention of potential burglars away from the house behind them, by standing at their front gate and jumping up and down, waving their arms about and doing a strip-tease.
Honestly, what a bunch of irresponsible bastards we are. No wonder the Home Office are getting so irritated with us for allowing the number of break-ins to rise. Us law-abiding citizens really are becoming quite tiresome with our negligence.

Seriously though, I am generally what you might refer to as a " Leftie ", at least with most matters. I am what certain disgustingly right-wing sections of our media would describe as a " Red ". But crime is one subject where I am losing my liberal stripes. I am getting so goddamned sick and tired of constant excuses, reasons and solutions being dreamt up by a bunch of out-of-touch cretins in Westminster.

Keep our homes hidden?? ( I swear these are the exact words used in the advert ). WHAT ... THE ... @@@@ ... ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!
Are these pointless Junior Ministers convening in their offices passing a massive joint around, saying " Wowww, guys I have just come up with such a challenging and 'zen' idea ".

And so, eager to follow Government advice, this evening I shall be on the phone to directory enquiries attempting to get in touch with David Copperfield ( the illusionist guy, not the Dickens character because he doesn't really exist ).
I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse ( I've got an old piggy bank with 78p in it somewhere ) to persuade him to come over with his scantily clad assistant and make my house disappear. Job done.
Well he's done it before hasn't he? Wasn't he the one who made the Eiffel Tower vanish.... or was it a Jumbo Jet? I can't remember but it doesn't matter, he made something disappear anyway....or was it David Blaine?....no no, he just sat in a box.
When he's finished fellow Writebuzzers, I'll get him to do your houses as well, infact he can do every house in the country.
Imagine that, a nation of burglars stumbling around empty streets with empty plots but for the foundations, scratching their heads and muttering " Well I'll be blowed, foiled by the Home Office again! "

In the meantime folks, I suggest you start knocking your houses down and hide them in your cupboard under the stairs.

Thanks Writebuzz for allowing me to get this one out of my system.... I can sleep fitfully tonight now.

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