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Stories & Scripts

Source: Adults

Author: Stuart Johnson

Title: Thanks DFS for pointing out the obvious.

" At DFS, we've been thinking about you.... "

Aww, how thoughtful. There you go people, if you think the bottom has fallen out of your world, if you're destitute on the streets without a soul to turn to, take comfort in the knowledge that they've been thinking about you at DFS.

" At DFS, we think we know what you're thinking.... "

I really doubt it. But pray, do go on, oh purveyor of things the cat likes to claw to shreds and spray its territorial mark on.

" ....We think you're looking for quality and great design.... "

Wrong, actually. The only thing I'm looking for right now is my blasted flat keys so I can get my backside off to work, but nice try anyway.
Incidentally, even if I was planning to waste my money on one of your chair-like things, it's not rocket science on your part to guess that I'd want something of a certain quality, and of a design that's to my liking.
Surely no-one has ever walked into one of your showroom-thingies saying " Hi, I want a sofa that looks like it's had four BurgerKing meals puked up over it, and is going to fall apart within the week....please. "

" Wouldn't it be great, if everything in life was half-price!...."

Yeah....oh wow, yeah! I'd never thought of that. There I was going through my life thinking " I wish everything was double the price it actually is. "
Thanks so much DFS for putting me right there, I was just about to pop down to Sainsburys and offer them a fiver for a loaf of bread. And then I was going to ring my landlord and plead with him to double my rent.

" ....Just think of the stuff you could buy!..."

Yeah, just think.... ( I could buy myself a hole-punch. )

" ....It would be like earning double your wages.... "

Cor blimey DFS, well worked out! I don't know who the enlightened Sage is that writes your adverts, but this is a curiously insightful stroke of genius on their part.

" Well, at DFS.... "

No look, I'm gonna stop you there.
I don't actually give a perfectly-aimed-pigeon-plop how stylish, how reasonably priced, how comfortable to the bums of mixed race couples with frizzy hair who can't seem to stop laughing, your sofas are.
Please restrict your adverts to middle class suburbia, because the rest of us can barely survive as it is in this grossly over-priced country. Any money I do manage to put aside is not going to be spent on some pointless, inanimate object that occasionally gets shown off to Mr and Mrs Double-barrel from next door.

At Stuart's bedsit, I've been thinking about you DFS.
I was thinking wouldn't it be great if I never had to suffer your septic, excrementable ads ever again. Please please take the hint and just @@@@ OFF!

Published on writebuzz®: Adults > Stories & Scripts

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