My wife took me to a modern art museum
she said " It's culture time.
Page three doesn't count as art
you bloody philistine."

As we entered one wall was full of prints
of the twats from the new Big Brother.
There was also a dead cow sawn in half
a look that would really suit the wife's mother.

One group couldn't seem to get enough
of a pile of old house bricks.
The only phrase that came to mind was
" Get a life you pricks."

I couldn't believe the wife's favourite piece
was a set of pipes with leaks.
If that had been our sink indoors
she'd have nagged at me for weeks.

I said " I like that piece down there
do you know if there's anymore?"
One arty type said " That's not art
I've just puked on the floor."

I said to him " Very sorry mate
but understand my mistake.
I've just spent the last half hour
staring at a garden rake."

Do people really like this crap
a room with an unmade bed?
Or a box containing a stuffed blue cat
with a banana through it's head?

I couldn't wait to leave the place
and made for the nearest door.
I just can't seem to get revved up
by a pile of twigs on the floor.

I do think I've sussed out this modern art game
and I think I'm on a winner.
I'll display a set of china plates
full with last nights baked up dinner.