(5 minute sketch) AGE CONCERN
Lenny : Middle aged man: Mother: Frail old lady.
Setting: A shabby but cosy lounge.
Mother is sat in an armchair.
Lenny: Mother, you haven't taken your pills.
Mother: Give them to the cat, Lenny; she piddles everywhere, as well.
(Lenny walks across the room and hands mother a cup and tablets.)
Lenny: You really need someone to look after you, dear.
Mother: Jean calls in three times a week; brings me a roast dinner on Sundays.
(Puts the cup on the arm of her chair.)
Lenny: Jean! As in my ex-wife Jean?
Mother: Umm, might be. Oh I don't know.
Lenny: That woman isn't capable of looking after herself. Cared for properly, I mean.
Mother: (sniggering) Does that mean you are coming back home to live then, son?
Lenny: Well no, you know I can't do that, I've got the club to run. (walks to the window, muttering to himself.) This place must be worth a Mars bar or two, and me facing bankruptcy. (Goes to his mother and holds her hand.) Mum, I worry about you. It isn't safe living in a big old house like this. The place is falling apart.
(wipes away an imaginary tear; knocks her cup to the floor. Tea splashes over his trousers, Lenny jumps up) Stupid, clumsy old fool, now look what you have done!
Mother: (sighs) You knocked the cup over, Lenny, not me.
Lenny: You put it there. My trousers are probably ruined, do you realise how much these cost? Of course you don't, you're so careless.
Mother: What day is it today?
Lenny: Thursday. You know I always visit on a Thursday.
Mother: Not every Thursday - sometimes - just occasionally. (Wearily.) Dennis will be here soon.
Lenny: Dennis (Smirks.) Dennis. You mean Dad. Father has been dead for ten years. Just look at you, tea stains over your dress, If he could see the plight you are in and you - so forgetful - he'd turn in his grave.
Mother: I doubt it - because he isn't in a grave. Cremated Lenny... Don't you recall? We scattered his ashes on Mayhill. (Chuckles) Such a windy day, they fluttered everywhere - And all over Daisy, from The Rose and Crown. Mind you, your father was always one for flitting about, especially in her direction.
Lenny: Huh! (Pacing) Mum, do you remember James? You know, he lived in the old vicarage. His mother has moved to the Priory; absolutely loves it there. They even allowed her to take the cat; she's so...um, well cared for and no money worries.
Mother: By what Jean said, James hasn't any money worries either. Sold her house for half a million. I bet he hopes she soon gets a fish bone stuck in her throat.
Lenny: Mother! What a wicked thing to say.
Mother: Well. (Smiles at Lenny.) You won't ever have to worry about money, Leonard.
Lenny: (Aside) This sounds promising. (Walks over to her and fondly rubs her shoulder.) Oh, Mum! I don't want your money.
Mother: What day is it today? - Did you say it was Thursday? Dennis will be here soon. (Long pause. Sinks down in her chair.) Son...I won't be here... much longer.
Lenny: Now don't talk like that; you are going to be sat in that chair for a few years yet.
Mother: I don't think so. (Brightens.) Jean worries about me living alone. She's asked me to go and live with her and Tony.
Lenny: No way. That woman and her scheming bloke will do anything for...
Mother: She said she doesn't need my money and so I've decided to sign this house over to Age Concern.
(Knock at the door.)
Mother: Lenny, would you open the door please, that will be Dennis - my solicitor.
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