Bill phoned up with terrible news
he told me Dave was dead.
I couldn't believe the words he spoke
and listened to what he said.

Dave crashed into the great big tree
in front of Bill's house by the grass.
He rocketed straight through Bill's attic window
with jagged bits stabbing him up the arse.

" What a way to go" I said
" No" said Bill. " That didn't kill him."

Dave came round quick, if a little groggy
and found some pipes he could sit on.
But overhead he heard the water tank groan
and knew that he'd done wrong.

The water smashed Dave right down the stairs
the full force it did take him down.
Enough water to fill a modest size lake
Bill was sure that poor Dave would drown.

" What a way to go" I said.
" No" said Bill. " That didn't kill him".

Dave stood up and wiped himself down
but the water was all round his feet.
He reached out to flick the light switch on
and felt his whole body start to heat.

His hair stood up and his body shook
and he was straining to shout or call.
Thousands of volts threw him through the air
and he smashed a hole in Bill's kitchen wall.

" What a way to go" I said.
" No" said Bill. " That didn't kill him".

Dave got up without so much as a scratch
and thought he'd be safer at home.
But as he started towards the front door
his foot found an old dogs bone.

He started slipping right down the passage
like a skater sliding on the floor.
It was his head that took the full impact
smashing through Bill's glass plate front door.

" What a way to go" I said.
" No" said Bill. " That didn't kill him"

" Now hang on Bill" I blurted out
" before you tell me another thing
He smashed through glass. down the stairs and a wall
and it didn't do a thing to him"?

" Let me explain" said Bill to me
" It was me that killed Dave the louse.
I shot him straight between the eyes
he was wrecking my bloody house".