People are confusing me
And I'm reaching the conclusion
That I'm a product of experiment
And of biological collusion
Today at work, the customers
They came, they saw, they nattered
But I've frankly heard more intelligible talk
From a Cod that's just been battered
Their tongues were working overtime
But my brain buggered off to bed
" I'm sorry mate, but I didn't understand
a single goddamn word you said "

Speaking a language that seemed absurd
Asking for things of which I'd never heard
Be he a chav, or be he a nerd
I'll grind his bones...oh sorry wrong poem

Um...where was I?... Oh yes...

Some said " bless you son ", as if an angel from above
Some did funny handshakes and referred to me as " bruv "
Some said " How ya doing blud ", wearing silly looking hats
Momma never told me I had so many long lost twats

So people are confusing me
And I'm reaching the conclusion
That a crackpot scientist swapped my brain
In some bovine-human fusion
I'm a bullock or a cow
Don't ask me when or how
But I'm the product of a plan
To graft a cow inside a man
It's my last remaining explanation
For this language barrier exasperation
They created me through evil incantation
Now I'm stuck in this solitary udder situation

A stranger in the strangest of lands
Say " Moo " and I might just understand
In the meantime I'll bury my head in the sand
Or a freshly laid cow-pat if it's closer to hand

Because the world is confusing me, playing havoc with my mind
Put its foot to the floor, and left me trailing far behind

And I have a deep and dark foreboding sense
I should be grazing peacefully the other side of the fence